When people decide to get divorced they usually think about the legal divorce.  This however is only one third of the process.  The physical separation/divorce and the emotional separation/divorce remain just as significant if not more so. 

The Physical Divorce
If partners are still living together at the time they decide to “get divorced,” they will be surprised when the day comes for one party to move out. Spouses generally have a strong emotional reaction when the “leaver” actually takes his or her leave of the marital residence.  The reaction can be either one of extreme relief or one of painful absence.  Either way there is going to be an adjustment time needed for both parties and the children.  If time is not taken there will be a negative impact on mediation. 

It is difficult to mediate a separation, and even more so when one is stressed by structural changes in the family.  If spouses are still living together and then start mediation, they risk jeopardizing mediation when one partner leaves the home. When a parent physically leaves everyone takes notice.  The structure of the family has fundamentally changed.  Even if a spouse has been withdrawn and not had much of an obvious presence in the home, the difference is noticed.  More understandably when the leaver has been a noisy person the change is even more dramatic. A whole host of feelings may come up which needs to be processed either just with time or with professional help. 

It might be a good idea to take a recess from mediation in order to allow everybody, especially the children, start the adjustment process.  We have found when clients do not allow for this break, the unprocessed emotions take over the mediation and the parties often reach an impasse on some concrete issue.  To the parties it seems like the impasse is based upon some real disagreement about money, property or the parenting of children; but to the neutral observer it is clear that there is a great deal of unprocessed emotion rearing its ugly head to contaminate mediation and the desire for people to reach agreement. 

People would be wise to allow for the natural processing of emotion that comes with time.  Unfortunately however, distrust or an urgent desire to start a new life propels the parties to press on to make an agreement they think will give them some kind of security or better state of mind.   At times like this mediation clients are caught going two directions at once.  One part demands an agreement be made and the other cries out for emotional sanctuary.  The discrepancy between wanting to get legally separated and allowing for an adjustment period often shows itself with behaviors which say in effect:  “I want to get this over as quickly as possible, but not touch this with a ten foot pole.”

To help these couples we recommend the parties use mediation as a way to construct an interim agreement which will spell out some particulars of the new arrangement, but only for a limited time and not lock them into anything that can not be undone by the final agreement.  This agreement is usually made for a very specific period of time; usually thirty, sixty or ninety days with an option to extend the period upon mutual consent.  Clearly stated is the notion that nothing in this interim agreement sets forth any precedent for any future agreement.  Some statements reflecting that the parties will “freeze” their assets; plan for paying bills and caring for children are also typical component of an interim agreement.  It is also very important to articulate that the party who agrees to vacate the home is protected from the legal issue of “abandonment.”  Agreements such as these clearly indicate that the parties mutually agree to this out of a need to protect the welfare of the children and all the members of the family.  In most cases it is written that this party may return to the home at any point with a certain amount of prior notification time allotted.  Finally, it is very important for parents to agree before hand just what and how they tell their children about the new arrangements.  We recommend that parents jointly make this statement.         

If the parties are newly separated before they begin mediation the same need for an emotional adjust period is also warranted.  It has been our experience that too many newly separated individuals try to force an agreement before the time is conducive.  Often this is in response to becoming aware of an affair or some other traumatic event that triggers the conclusion that a physical separation is needed.  Indeed a physical separation may be needed, but may not be the best time to put together an agreement that will have consequences for the rest of one’s life.  We find our clients do much better when they make time to deal with the disruption physical separation has on the family.

The Emotional Divorce
The emotional separation is sometimes an even more difficult chore then either the legal separation or the physical separation.  It takes many forms.  It is common for a divorced couple to have been divorced for many years yet still be fighting.  These people remain very much emotionally married.  The fights that were present before the separation are still around well after the divorce.  It is only the particular topic that changes.   Many people never actually get emotionally divorced from their former partners and lingering hostilities compromise both lives “until death do them part.”

The same may be true for the couple that “never fought.”  Things are quiet but not necessarily without strong emotion, usually depression and/or guilt.  These emotions continue to contaminate new relationships as well as the offspring of the original couple.  Some people never quite recover from being divorced and for others it can take many, many years to get beyond the event.  In some ways it is impossible to actually “put asunder what God hath brought together.”  Attachments, whether noisy or quiet are attachments nevertheless and it takes some significant work to get through the emotional separation, achieving detachment.

As those who attend support groups know, it takes at least two years to move through the whole process of loss by divorce.  The stages are more or less predictable, much like those of grieving a death: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and finally acceptance.  One must walk “the valley of the shadow of death” and reach out for all the supports along the way one can muster, including one’s religious faith.  There is only one rule when walking this path:  “Just keep walking.”  That is, go through life’s motions even though they have no meaning or fulfillment.  Just do it and let the feelings find their own way.  Fighting makes hard feelings worse and, for some people, never allows them to heal.            

The Legal Divorce
When people allow the physical separation and the emotional separation to take place in a more or less natural way, they are best prepared to undertake the legal separation, which at that time will then be the easiest.  Substantive problems can be more rationally be discussed without the contamination from embedded feelings.  Alternative solutions can more easily be found which will be more mutually acceptable to both parties when they allow time for emotional adjustment. 

We are not machines, we are human beings with emotions and these feelings must be managed with care for our own ultimate good and the welfare of our children.  

The Mediation Network of Syracuse is uniquely equipped to help people manage all three of these divorces.  Of course we help people with the legal process, but we also help people go through the physical separation and the emotional separation.  Our staff includes mediators who have extensive mental health experience as well as legal training to assist families in transition.  At times we work as a team to ensure that all three dimensions of divorce are successfully managed.  However, if the parties only want to deal with one or two of these dimensions we will do whatever is being requested of us.  We are your employees.  You hire us to do a job.  We will make suggestions; but in the end and in the true spirit of mediation,  you make all the decisions.

Please, if you have any questions contact me.  I will be very happy to assist you.   

Back to Articles Page.